Larxene, Moogle and Saix
by snappydog
Summary: Larxene forgot to take her pills, so under the influence of sanity she stole Saix's moogle. Chapter 5 is FINALLY UP! And yes, there is a 6 coming.
1. Save Marty Moogle!

Saix examined his weapon thoughtfully. The moon was good, Larxene was damn good, and killing things was good. But wait a second, what's really good? Like, really, really good?

Ah, screw it all, Saix thought to himself. I'll find out soon enough. For now I can –

"HI SAIX!"

"Oh, god," he murmured.

Larxene had forgotten to take her pills again. Now was not a time for sanity – now was a time for action! And things like that.

Saix threw his claymore at the fire alarm system on the wall, dashed and caught it as the glass shattered.

Larxene, oblivious to this, skipped around Saix's bedroom until –

"MOOGLE!"

Saix whipped around.

"No… no, Larxene, step away from the moogle. Step away."

Larxene sang over the sound of fire bells resounding through Castle Oblivion:

"_And the little moogle,_

_He got lost and he fell into a riv-er_

_But when I came along, I sang him a song,_

_And the poor little moogle felt bett-er!"_

By this time Saix was at breaking point.

"MY MOOGLE!" he yelled and tackled Larxene, throwing her away from the moogle's cage.

Marluxia burst in to Saix's room just as Larxene began to cry.

"Oh no…"

Saix covered his ears, but Marluxia wasn't so lucky. A wall of solid sound picked him up and flung him into a wall. Actually it flung him into Demyx and they both went into the wall.

Larxene continued to wail,

"WANT MOOGLE!"

Saix removed himself from Larxene and ran.

"I WANT THE MOOGLE!" Larxene sobbed, then there were four soft thuds and the door was blown off its hinges as she threw her knives and backed their speed up with her powers.

Saix didn't turn back. He couldn't or she'd catch him, and she had been known to do some strange or violent (or both) things under the influence of her sanity.

Behind him, Larxene cried out, then there was a _boom_ and she stopped her wailing.

"I got the moogle!" she yelled.

"But that's MY moogle!" cried Saix, and he skidded to a halt before sprinting back to save his pet, and only friend.

"I LOVE YOU MOOGLE!" roared Saix, but Larxene was already gone.

Demyx and Marluxia had also vanished, but they wouldn't have helped him anyway. They were both allergic to pom-pom.

Saix vanished.

Roxas and Axel, refereed by Luxord, were playing chess when they were interrupted by Saix.

"I say!" roared Luxord.

Axel and Roxas merely flinched – this had happened before.

"Moogle problems, right?"

Saix nodded at Axel.

"Larxene forgot to take her pills."

Roxas covered his mouth with a hand.

"That is NOT good."

"Yeah… she took Moogle."

Luxord recoiled in shock.

"Let us take up the quest to save…"

"Marty."

"… Marty Moogle!"

And they vanished, the game forgotten.

"Well thanks a lot," muttered Saix.

Xemnas was in the cafeteria with Xaldin and Xigbar.

"Cookie please…" Saix murmured to Vexen.

The Chilly Academic handed it over sourly.

"Don't get used to it; I'm only filling in 'coz Lexaeus is on maternity leave."

Saix joined the Superior and his companions.

"What now?" inquired Xaldin.

"I need your help. Larxene took my moogle."

Xemnas gasped.

"That means she might have my kitten!"

He vanished.

"She took your moogle?" asked Xigbar.

"That's what I said."

"Your point is?"

Saix slapped himself in the forehead. His companions could be incredibly stupid sometimes.

"Help me find it," he groaned; maybe he should avoid slapping himself with a stale cookie again.

"No way, we're eating."

"You know something?" said Xigbar. "You can be really _heartless_ sometimes, Xaldin."

Saix groaned again.

"That's really, _really _bad, you know that?"

"Yup," said Xigbar, and vanished with Xaldin.

"Hey, Zexion!"

Zexion extricated himself from Larxene and smiled.

"Yes, Luna Diviner?"

"I need your help…"

Saix stopped mid-word.

"What were you doing with Larxene – wait a second, Larxene!"

Zexion stepped in front of her.

"Don't hurt my pumpkin, Number Seven."

"Pumpkin!"

Zexion sighed.

"Yes, well, at least she's taken her pills now."

"But what about Moogle?"

Larxene shifted uncomfortably.

"We gave him a good burial," piped up Zexion.

"Burial… NOOOOOOO!"


	2. Adventures of Demyx and a PS2 controller

snappydog: ok, this chapter is Larxene's second escapade without her pills, and it focuses once again on Saix's property… although Roxas becomes a little more involved…short chapter I know but never mind… enjoy!

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Saix sobbed as his moogle was lowered into its grave for the second time; Zexion had decided to give it a proper burial as it meant he could rehearse his lines for the upcoming school play _Oh my God you killed him stupid!_.

"Sorry Saixy," said Larxene, patting him on the shoulder.

"Saixy?" thought Saix. "Oh, god, no."

Once again, fire bells rang through Castle Oblivion as its tenants activated the system placed there long ago to save them all from Larxene's sanity.

She was, of course, already gone.

Saix rummaged through his drawers, desperately checking that everything was there.

"Burberry cap, high-top trainers, hair gel, bling-bling necklace… NO!"

Roxas hurried in.

"What did she take?"

"My copy of _Kingdom Hearts II_," sobbed Saix.

Roxas clapped a hand to his mouth.

"But I helped pay for that!"

And they both burst into tears.

"HEY DEMYX!"

Demyx rushed into Larxene's room; they knew it was a bad idea to ignore her frequent calls for help under the influence of the disease known only as Larxene-is-sane-oh-my-god-run-for-your-life-neosis.

"What?"

"I can't kill your little dancer thingies!" she wailed, throwing the Dualshock2 controller at him.

Demyx gasped.

"You're playing as Sora? You… you traitor!"

Then he glanced at the screen.

"Is… is that me?"

He reached up and preened himself proudly.

"And my Nobodies… Can I have a go?"

Larxene started humming 'Bolero' and indicated that he should pick up the controller.

"Oh, thanks!"

He pressed the Start button and she quickly changed her tune to:

'Gimme gimme gimme controller!'

Demyx dropped it, and she started humming again.

By the time Saix and Roxas found her she had passed the stage with Roxas and Sora's merging, killed Saix and witnessed DiZ' passing. Xemnas was watching by that time and was rather… for want of a better word… cheesed off at the discovery of the fact that DiZ was related to him.

By the time they found her she'd also completed the game and smashed the disc.

"NOOOOOOO!"


	3. Sephiroth And Candy And Coconuts

snappydog: Chapter Three, yeah! And, uh… Sephiroth gets mixed up in the rampage of Larxene this time – but he can't do anything about it! She took Masamune (his sword, for those unaware of this fact).

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"Wow! Big sword!"

The One-Winged Angel stared coldly at Larxene.

"You have seen nothing," he said with difficulty due to the candy in his mouth.

"But it's big!" she yelped.

Saix strode forwards and pulled her away.

"Sorry about Larxene. She's… sane."

Sephiroth flinched. His mobile vibrated and the pink Converse All-Stars on his feet lost their grip on the floor. Sephiroth collapsed, and Larxene sang,

_Swordy, Swordy,_

_Have you any stab?_

_Yes miss, yes miss,_

_Three million and twelve bags full!_

She bounded forwards and snatched Masamune, then vanished.

"My sword…"

Sephiroth began to cry.

"Don't worry!" yelled the ever-helpful Luxord. "You can borrow my spare deck of cards!"

Sephiroth wailed even louder.

By the time Sephiroth, Saix, Roxas, Axel and Saix's new moogle found Larxene she'd destroyed her entire room with Masamune. She'd also been singing for seven solid hours, a far more terrible feat; her last audience had all either died of a fatal, irreparable damage to their brains or been taken to hospital for immediate eardrum replacement. Everyone who survived was never seen without earplugs or, to block out the sound, drums and pneumatic drills.

"Give it back!" Sephiroth cried.

Larxene stuck her tongue out and swung it at him, toppling over as the weight of the sword proved to be too much.

"Owie!" she cried as her back hit the ground, then hopped to her feet again with renewed energy and sang,

_Owie!_

_MY BACK HAS A BOO-BOO_

_Owie!_

_AND IT REALLY HURTS_

_No thanks!_

_TO YOUR BLOODY SWORD_

_Sephiroth!_

_COZ I GOT A BOO-BOO _- "OW!"

For Roxas had stabbed her with Masamune.

The relieved group watched as Larxene collapsed.

Then the startled group cried simultaneously, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" as Larxene bounced back up, removed Masamune and yelled, "Did I see a moogle?"

Saix pulled his moogle from Larxene's field of vision hurriedly; she peered around before demanding, "Who hid the moogle?"

Sephiroth, Axel, Roxas and the moogle glanced at each other before declaring:

"It was him."

Larxene gave Saix a friendly punch. He's nearly ready to come out of intensive care now.

"Me want moogle," she announced. A grammatical masterpiece.

She then picked up the struggling Cait Sith, realised her mistake and threw him off the battlements ("Those weren't there before," remarked the ever-observant Axel) before grabbing the moogle and dashing off to her tower room.

This greatly disturbed the group.

"I think we've walked into the set of Beauty and the Beast 2: This Time, Things Aren't So Beautiful."

And from the tower came something that added to the horror movie atmosphere greatly: the faint sound of Larxene's singing.

"_I've got a love-ly bunch of coconuts_

_Bom bom bom _

_There they are_

_Standing in a row…"_

Axel fainted. Roxas passed out. Sephiroth fell unconscious. And Saix, mistakenly believing they were faking, yelled,

"Bundle!" and threw himself on top of them.

"_Big ones small ones_

_Some as big as your head!_

_Give 'em a twist_

_A flick of the wrist,_

_That's what the showman said._

_Oi!"_

Saix, realising what great danger they were in, pushed his companions off the battlements and jumped after them. A wise move considering that it allowed them to get away from Larxene's voice:

"_I've got a love-ly bunch of coconuts,_

_Everybody throw and make me rich!_

_There stands me wife_

_The idol of me life_

_Singing_

_Roll-a-bowl-a-ball, a penny a pitch._

Or something similar.

Something… SIMILAR!"

She hit an incredibly high note and was quickly arrested for harassment, abuse and assault.

Saix's small brain then kicked in. Noticing he was falling towards a pit of lava ("This is Kingdom Hearts, not a fairytale") he decided that he was facing certain death and the best course of action to make him feel better was to scream.

"NOOOOOOO!"


	4. The Return Of Marty The Moogle

"Oh… my head…"

Saix stood up very slowly so as to avoid hurting his already sore head, and promptly bashed it on a low ceiling. He then collapsed and noticed Larxene standing in front of him.

"Not you," he said and fainted.

He was quickly jerked back to consciousness by this song:

"_YES IT IS MEEEE_

_GET USED TO MY PRESENCE YOU ARSEHOLE_

_FOR I WILL STAY HERE FOR A LONG TIME_

_UNTIL YOU REGAIN CONSCIOUNESS COMPLETELY_

uh… what rhymes with arsehole…? _FAST MOLE!"_

A moderate amount of time later Saix found himself being raped by Marluxia. He stole a certain pink scythe and castrated the gay Organizationer in question. He then decided to go in search of Xemnas to find out what was going on.

"I'll go in search of Xemnas to find out what's going on" he decided and went to go in search of Xemnas to find out what was going on.

An amount of time approximately equal to one hour for every Organization member it took to change a light-bulb (about twenty-three) he found his leader.

"What's going on?" he demanded?

"Ah… Axixs."

"Axixs?"

"Well every Nobody has to have their original name scrambled up with an X added, no?"

"I wasn't a Nobody before?"

"Nope you were not. You were an amnesiac werewolf with learning difficulties."

"I was a werewolf. That explains the whole 'moon! My moon!' thing."

"Si, as they say in Hollow Bastion."

"I thought 'si' was from that FAR AWAY AND ANCIENT WORLD named Spain."

"Well… yeah. But who gives a toss, it wasn't copyrighted."

"OK."

"Good."

"Mm-hm."

"Good."

"What are we talking about again?"

"Kittens I think."

"Sweet."

"Yeah, I like Budweisers."

"I think you mean Rottweilers."

"That's it. Cute little kitties they are…"

The conversation carried on like this for some time before Saix decided to go electrocute Larxene. He walked into the gate of her house. Then remembered to open it BEFORE walking through it.

Painfully, he knocked on the door, which closed.

"Don't buy or sell at this door."

Snatches of a song drifted through the door.

_Monkeys in flight,_

_My monkey sanctuary_

_Sanctuary yeah_

_Where monkeys and chipmunks_

_Fly away_

All in all it sounded suspiciously like the Kingdom Hearts II theme tune.

Saix tried again, slipping a hastily written polite note through the letterbox. It read;

Open the door now or I'll rape you. Then kill you. Then do it all again until you're dead.

It appeared to work; the door opened.

"Oh," said Larxene. "It's you."

"Who were you expecting?"

"The Sultan of Agrabah."

"Why?"

"Coz."

"Coz what?"

She shrugged.

"Coz Xigbar said he was gonna go practise getting his business in the toilet."

"OK…"

Saix then remembered why he was there and electrocuted Larxene. The irony was not lost on his pet moogle.

"Marty?" Saix whispered.

It turned his head towards him.

"I have come for you, my liege." it said in a deep, booming voice.

"Eh?"

The moogle shrugged.

"I dunno," it said rather squeakily. "I'm doing the voice of the Dusk when it comes to kidnap Roxas."

"You have a voiceover part in the game?!"

"Yep."

"But, er, the Dusk doesn't speak when it goes to kidnap Roxas."

The moogle looked at him before saying, "Oh bums. Rumbled!"

It vanished.

"How d'you do that?" Saix demanded of thin air.

"Part-time magician, love. Gotta be flashy, you know what I mean?"

"COME BACK!"

"Saix, I used to be your pet but it's in the past. I'm sleeping with Seifer now."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"


	5. The Cake Of Truceness

-1"Lobster stew, lobster stew, doobie doobie doo doobie doo, lobster stew, lobster stew, doobie doobie doo doobie doo…" Saix trailed off, and changed the words 'lobster stew' with 'Marty my moogle.'

The rest of the Organization, gathered in their circular hall of doom, stared at him sadly.

"He hasn't been the same since he found out Marty was sleeping with me, has he?" commented Zexion.

All heads turned to stare at him.

"Did I say me?" Zexion backtracked hastily. "I meant, er…" He stared around, searching for someone else to put in deep dog doo.

"XIGBAR!" he yelled, pointing at the Organization's number two, who was in the middle of doing something unspeakable to somebody else's moogle.

"I can believe that," Lexaeus put in, back from maternity leave, "but I thought it was Seifer that Marty ran off with."

"Me too!" yelled Xigbar.

"See?" demanded Lexaeus. "HE agrees with me."

"Indeed, but he has the intercourses with teddies!" Luxord bellowed in his face.

"I wasn't even talking to you," said Xigbar. "This moogle told me that it does this every other day!"

"EEEEEWWW!"

This last statement came from Larxene, and as one, each of the Organization shouted at her, "SHUT UP!"

"Happy cake of truceness?" asked Larxene shyly, presenting said cake to Xemnas, who accepted it gratefully.

"Thank you," he said happily.

Larxene beamed.

"I love it when you smile," he told her.

"I know," said Larxene.

As one, the entire rest of the Organization turned away, knowing what would happen next. Unfortunately, turning away meant that they could see the park and ride sign behind them.

"FREE SEX!" yelled Xigbar, and promptly vanished in a puff of what-the-hell-just-happened-question-mark-exclamation-mark.

"What the hell just happened?!" demanded Axel.

"I believe it may be what is known as xenophobia," Luxord said wisely.

"Is he a Nobody, too?" Roxas piped up, receiving a slap for his trouble.

"Xigbar's scared of foreign people?" Larxene said, surprising everyone with her knowledge of long words.

They turned around to congratulate her on her knowledge of long words.

They saw what she was doing with Xemnas.

They kept on turning.

Saix, however, was still humming in the corner. It was interesting that he was humming in the corner, since they were in a circular room.

The Organization wondered how to make him talk; after all, he was the main character and the plot wasn't moving very well without him. While they were pondering, Xigbar reappeared in the room, accompanied by a certain pink-haired flowerboy.

"Hello," said Marluxia.

"Why is he talking like that?" wondered Demyx, who hadn't spoken for a couple of chapters and thought he should make his presence known to the readers (hopefully there are readers out there somewhere. I come in peace).

"Read the start of chapter 4," squeaked pinko.

The Organization looked at each other, except Larxene and Xemnas who nobody particularly wanted to look at.

"Castration," they said knowingly.

"You shouldn't carry that scythe around with you when you try to rape someone," Zexion told him, wagging a finger and causing a few pages of his diary to fall out. This is a lot worse than it sounds when you _fight_ with a diary.

Saix, in his paradoxical and more than slightly impossible corner, looked up.

The Organization waited with baited breath for the words that would finally give the increasingly long, increasingly pointless fanfic (_for those who didn't get this, I shall explain. The fanfic is a metaphor for their lives. Wow. Jokes ain't good when you have to explain the punch-line_) some form of plot.

He raised a finger.

He pointed the finger.

He put Roxas down again and tried again with his own finger.

He spoke. Two words.

"Your mum," he whispered.

"Wow," said Luxord. "That's more philosophical than I'm awesome at gambling."

And for those who don't know, that's pretty damn philosophical.

Author's Note:

Heya. I'm really sorry it took so long to get this uploaded, but I've been preoccupied with school work and writing other material for stuff. Chapter Six shouldn't take too long. I'm planning to bring back the moogle, open to suggestions of new plot ideas if anybody has one?

Now… you took all that time to read this (unless you skimmed, you skimming asshole) so why not take a little bit more time to give me some feedback?

Push the button. The little button.

The "Review" button.

Please?


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